Actual Letter to The Guy Who Has AIDS and Fucked Up My Car

Dear Donald,


My girlfriend, Amy, and I met you immediately after your car accident last week. We stayed with you until the paramedics arrived and we were very relieved to find out you weren’t seriously hurt. Unfortunately, we have been informed that your car and three other cars were declared “totaled”. We are truly sorry about your loss of the Toyota Camry and we want you to know we lost our cars, too, and this has caused us an extreme burden.


I owned the ’93 Ford Tempo and Amy owned the ’94 Honda Accord. They were inexpensive cars in comparison to the other vehicles involved, but they provided us with invaluable transportation to and from our work at our healthcare facilities where we dedicate ourselves to helping others who are sick and needy.

Liberty mutual has not been helpful. They state our claim could take several months, possibly up to three years to settle. Meanwhile, they refuse to pay for a rental car and inform us that due to limits on your policy, only a percentage of our damages will ever be paid. We have been told several times to “mitigate our damages.” In effect, we have been told that we will receive nothing for the cars we lost.

Donald, would you please consider paying us for the damages you caused? If you compensate us, we would happily drop our claims on your policy with Liberty Mutual. Your payment would allow Amy and I to buy another used car that we could share and carpool to work. Besides worrying about another down payment on a car, we have enormous school loans and exorbitant San Francisco rent to pay. You seem like an honest, kind man who would be receptive towards our reasonable request.

(If you do not comply, we may have no other choice other than to take you to court and make you feel as though a baby monkey with tiny, baby monkey hands is ripping your pubic hair out.)




Wishing you good health and happiness,



Christian A. Avery


Amy