Mother was a monkey. Father was a horny toad.

It was a night of crossbreeding. I met Amy, Matt, and Amy's sister, Renee, at the swanky Clift Hotel. I would describe the Clift as Zen meets California, meets Star Trek, meets Antiques Road Show.

Dramatic spot lighting, digital artwork with blinking, head moving, true to life subjects, wooden chairs, $10 drinks that taste like pie, and faux waterfalls.

Amy, my girlfriend, is granola meets Nordstrom, or more specifically, Eugene, Oregon meets Steve Madden (although I say Nine West).

Matt's the offspring of a normal human mother and a startled horse.

Renee kept on saying she was a bag of snacks, although we disagreed and told her she was a chipmunk.